I have a love/hate relationship with blogging for personal reasons. Although I started this blog years ago, I went through phases of never using it, to posting several times a week, but the thing I always struggle with is writing posts. I’m not a natural writer, I never have the urge to sit down and write how I’m feeling, this part just doesn’t come naturally to me and is something I constantly struggle with when posting. But at the same time I’m a perfectionist, nothing is ever good enough, hence why this is extra hard for me. I want this to be a thoughtful, insightful blog, not just about outfits. I want to create and grow it this year. But there’s that voice in the back of my head telling me I never have anything interesting/exciting to say, most of the time I feel like I sound like I’m moaning. I’ve always had a problem with communicating how I’m feeling, I have a tendency to shut down and push people away. This was the case last year especially, when my mum filed for divorce from my dad, for horrible reasons which I won’t get into, but I just didn’t want to talk or speak to anyone, let alone write a post about some outfit I was wearing.
And don’t even get me started on the anxiety of posting photos of myself, picking apart all my flaws until I literally felt like I couldn’t post them at all, after working so hard setting up shoots and working with brands. It’s such a struggle nowadays, there is a constant pressure to ‘fit in’ and create this image of yourself where everything is just rosy and you’re having the time of your life, when in reality of course this isn’t the case at all. Which I’m learning whenI get overwhelmed and start comparing myself to others, to take a step back, switch off from the internet and concentrate on the positives in real life.
I used to beat myself up about writing posts, the anxiety I got was so extreme I used to put off posts that I’d shot for weeks or months at a time, ashamed I couldn’t write down what I was feeling or have anything interesting to say, I couldn’t articulate in words, or be witty enough, and I would cringe and not be able to even read what I’d written and be embarrassed about sharing anything at all, preferring instagram where I could post a pic and a few emojis, never getting involved in writing proper captions or shying away from talking and commenting on others feed for fear they would think I sounded silly.
Even now I’ve been sat reading blogs and thinking to myself, this whole rambling isn’t how I wanted to get this across, maybe I should just delete this and not bother. But no, I will be brave and press that publish button, this year I will push myself to get out of my comfort zone and really engage and try and communicate how I am feeling.
I am learning to be kinder on myself, I am my own worst enemy, and of course it has to start with self love. I’m teaching myself to be kind and not beat myself up all the time, which is a slow process, and although I know now writing will never come naturally to me, but that’s ok, it shouldn’t bring me down, after all this is my own blog and it’s ok not to be perfect. Try not to be afraid of what others will think, you can never please everyone, it’s more important for me get out there and try, and not let my fears hold me back from something I love to do. This cute slogan t-shirt really got me thinking didn’t it!